A Random Epiphany

Life it seems is like an empty bag handed to you at birth. The task herein is to add things to the bag simulating your experiences and doings in life. Unfortunately somewhere along the road we find our choices criticized and argued upon and subtly but surely our choices get replaced by what everyone around us see's fit. 10 years down the line you realize what your life consists of then is no longer your life, but an amalgam of the choices, decisions, and liking's of everyone around you. So how is it possible for someone to go through that kind of manipulation and be able to say life is well? To look into your bag and though there seems to be everything that everyone around you would want, it's simply not what you had in mind. How are you expected to feel happy when all along none of the choices were yours? It isn't surprising to me how so many people, as successful as they may be from our point of view, seem too unhappy. And therein lies the fault. Our perception is ours. It seems I have begun to understand where the phrase "Life is a bitch" originates from. Life is nothing but an empty vessel. It is what you make of it. 

~Nauman Sharif 

What to Say in Awkward Situations! - Pt 1

So you’re at the grocery store looking at the tender moist red meat that you so longingly wish to go home and tear up! Waiting in the long line, you’ve managed to cram yourself in the annoying position of having a clueless grandma in front of you with a memory that gets flashed quicker than a gold fish and that all annoying Pakistani labor dude behind you that almost smells as bad as haggis and grilled liver stew. Not to mention he just can’t keep from giving you that all so inappropriate nudge on your ass with his crotch. Fear not, the guy is the least bit interested in your touché; he’s probably eyeing the place as a potential bombing target!

So you’ve bagged the delicious meat and right when you turn you’re greeted by some guy with a pedophile-like smile looking at you like he’s waiting for you to give him a side so he can hurriedly stuff a twenty in your underwear! While you desperately try to shove that image in some dusty corner of your mind, the man opens his mouth.

"Remember me?"

With a raised eyebrow you reply "No, but if there’s the slightest chance i know you then maybe you can let go of your crotch and we can shake hands!"

Well, that’s what you wished you could say, instead you try to say something but end up with your mouth half open looking like a retard on the run from the hospital. Admit it you sleazy bastard you’ve forgotten the guys name!

Give or take a few things from the story, you’ve all run into a situation more or less like this and ended up not having a clue as to what to do. Well this time I’m going to be discussing exactly how to tackle the many types of awkward social situations.

1)            For the situation above, it’s always best to smile, then quickly apologize for forgetting their name and kindly ask them to re-introduce themselves. Try not to be a smart ass and let them babble on and on about something in the hopes he/she might reveal their name, the reason? Well while your mind is in over-drive searching for their name in that empty hollowness you call a brain, your blank stare and unresponsiveness will appear rude. "Refusing to admit that you've forgotten the person’s name also shows your inconfidence" - says Nauman Sharif, author of several award-winning imaginary erotic books.

On another side, if you happen to be the person whose name has been forgotten, be on the safe side, and try to incorporate a small introduction into the beginning of the conversation. For example ( Hi, I believe I know you, I’m *name*, we met at/in *location*)

2)            At a party, reunion or some other lame function where the host was desperate enough for people to attend that he/she asked your pathetic ass to join, you find a friend or acquaintance who seems he/she would bash your head open if you dare even stand next to them.

Irrespective of the place or event, your first priority here should be the comfort and satisfaction of your host. Because let’s face it, if it weren’t to their extremely bad choice of friends, you’d still be at home clicking at the box eating pop-corns leftover from the last movie night.

Walk over to your angered friend and pass a sincere smile. I’d suggest cracking up a joke, but i doubt your sorry ass could pull one off between gulping down those tray of drinks that you so discreetly snatched from the waiters table. Introduce the friend to a few people you would know, if possible, to one of the opposite gender. If it makes their time worthwhile, they'd be quick to forget your insolence and forgive you. Invite the person to a drink on your tab. Yes, you’re going to be paying, that is if you’re interested in fixing the problem and avoid getting beat up in the dark basement parking, you cheap bitch!

However, if you feel your friend is beyond talking for now, do not approach them. You don’t want to end up creating a scene from last Thursdays WWE. If their near presence makes you uncomfortable (because you’re a sissy!) then moving somewhere away would be better. Also, involve yourself in a conversation with someone. The focus on the conversation or whatever activity you chose to do, will eliminate the anxiety and let you relax and finally gorge on the ample appetizers present that you had been eyeing for a while.

So there you have it, another guide on how you can prevent yourselves from making a mess of the situation and ending up looking like a sad sack o’ bones, Again! I intend to complete the second part of this article where I will talk about shit that I have yet to conjure up. So unless I break a leg attempting to figure out if I have super powers, catch the plague or end up leading a revolution against the world for unreasonably trashing my driveway, I'll be back...Eventually!

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Until next time amigos =]]
Nauman Sharif !

The Pyramid of Djoser

The bright desert sun shines up in the distance, a mirror like appearance casts near the horizon. The land stretches on repeating the pattern of rock, sand and heat in every direction. Through this uninhabited landscape stands a monolithic monument having faced the absolute test of time, it speaks volumes on the grand legacy that were its original creators. While the latter have long gone, the former remains, like a mark etched in time itself.

In the remote northwestern corner of the city of Memphis, Egypt, lies an ancient burial ground, Saqqara, final resting place for kings of every time and dynasty. It is here that we find the Pyramid of Djoser (zoser), the portal through which it was believed that the pharaoh Djoser would pass on to afterlife. Built during the 27^th century BC by his vizier Imoteph, High Priest of the sun god Re and architect of the pyramid. Imoteph was considered a man of the highest status after only the king, and was revered as a god after his death.

Believed to be either the first or second king of the 3^rd dynasty (2667 – 2648) of the Old Egyptian Kingdom (2686 – 2125), Djoser ruled for 19 years. Though many archeologists suggest the 19 years were ‘biennial taxation years’ therefore rendering him king for 39 years. Either way, Djoser lived long enough to see his monumental final abode be completed in his life time.

The Pyramid of Djoser set its mark in history by departing from previously designed pyramids. Also called the Step Pyramid, for it stands on 6 mastabas of decreasing size, became the first of its kind in both complex design and as the first large scale cut stone construction of its time. Standing at a height of 63 meters with a base of ‘109 x 125’ meters enveloped in white polished limestone it was the peak of human engineering of its time. The pyramid had several implications both social and economic. It was much more complex than the mud-brick ones of its predecessors therefore required much more labor and resources. This hinted towards the fact that the royal government had acquired much more wealth than its predecessors. Furthermore it set the stage for its successors to incorporate elements of the Step Pyramid in future dynasties including the legendary pyramid of Giza. Lastly, it if among the rare pyramids where the architect has been identified, in this case it was Imoteph whose name was inscribed on a seal in the room of the sarcophagus.

The Pyramid of Djoser is thought to be built in several stages being an experimental structure. The superstructure began life with a square base, that was later expanded (towards the east) into a rectangular shape of a mastaba. Initially it was developed to a four step structure, and then later into the six steps structure that stands today. These changes in original design inclined towards several revisions of the original model. It is also argued that since the base of the pyramid was initially square, the structure was never meant to be a mastaba. Furthermore, there are several proofs that lead towards the monument being an experimental structure. For one, it was constructed so that the core of the mastabas would comprise of rubble and rock, however during the construction of the steps the builders shifted to using larger rocks of higher quality (assumed to be mined from the great trench) in a fashion of accumulating the material together that leaned inwards. The whole superstructure was later clad in limestone. Although unclear, it is widely assumed that simple technology such as ramps would have been employed in raising the stones to the pyramid.

Below the magnanimous monument lies a labyrinth of tunnels and passageways totaling an astonishing 6 Km in length, finally leading up to a 7 meter wide square central shaft descending down to 28 meters. The spaces at the end led to the burial chambers of the king and family members, and storage areas mostly used to offerings and items thought would be required by the king in his afterlife. The inside walls of the chambers and passages are intricately carved with designs and hieroglyphics portraying the king involved in several types of activities. The sarcophagus room had been designed as a smaller replica of the king’s palace with blue faience (earthenware) while the walls were decorated with stone panels. This room was to serve as the living area of the royal Ka (Spirit).

Intended to serve as a gateway to an eternal afterlife, the Pyramid of Djoser was a scheme too grand even for its own time. The monolithic superstructure set not only standards for several dynasties spanning centuries to build upon, but also left future generations of beings perplexed on the true symbolism for its innovative architecture as well as questions regarding how the stone giant was constructed, were all but left unanswered, buried in the shifting sands of the once, land of the Pharaohs.

Until next time amigos! =]]

Nauman Sharif !

*This post has been approved by The Tough Cookie!*

Take me to your professors !

  So, apparently you have no idea about my existence but I’m the guy that sits in the 'lonely corner' of the class trying desperately to fit into the tiny seats. Yes, I’m fat, and no, I wasn’t born with oversized bones unlike the rest of my naturally over-nourished species. I just happened to have made friends with several fatty acid cells at a younger age, that later decided to practice a little multiplication table inside me! But just adding a little tidbit to your already self-proclaimed over-sized intellect, that isn’t the reason why I’m always balled up in the dark and dusty corner of the classroom, no, it’s actually because that’s the only place that falls beyond the ear bleeding reign of your voice.

  And speaking of that, I can still see your lips moving, most probably you’re still babbling about how the world needs more people with an IQ above that of *enter lamest species name*. And while you try to monologue about that I’ll just take 5, and draw up a series of complex diagrams to determine how your speech is in any way related to our discussion of the Taylor Series. Oh, no, please, don’t pause, by all means continue, and perhaps the only reason the professor isn’t interrupting you definitely has something to do with his Mont Blanc making its way into his spine in a desperate attempt to make it through this class with at least his remaining 4 senses intact!

  On a slightly different note, I’d like to apologize to my fellow mates for that obnoxious scene where they have to witness me chewing the end of my desk and roll my eyes, but it’s actually become a reflex by now. Come to think of it, I’m pretty certain that I’ve developed a liking to that nutty termite-ish taste. Although I spend most of my time in my little fantasy world reigned by petite women, large amounts of spandex outfits and leather whips...*err, what?*, I have to take some time off from my erotic/sadistic wonderland, and when I do, yup, you’re still talking.

  Beside the boiling desire inside of me wanting to split you in half, I’m just going to nicely ask you in my imagination to quit smoking whatever it is that you puff on all night, or lend me that 200 DHS so I can finally get that monthly unlimited supply of Prozac. Oh and speaking of cash, since I’m paying about 21000 DHS per semester, I wonder if you'll let the professor speak a little about the cou...oh wait, why is he on the ground in a pool of blood and spinal fluid...? Ah, crap, that lucky son of a bitch!

This message has been approved by the 'Tough Cookie'

Until nest time amigos =]]

Nauman Sharif !

Introductions

Clap, clap, clap...Hola and welcome to artiklO, the shiny new blog that will offer you hot servings of mind twisting, grey cell killing mindless chatter. And hopefully something worth reading as well.

All this will be coming from me and i'll be dishing out some articles from friends (Yes, there are other wildly interesting people running about besides me!) on various topics. I'll be updating with new posts...well, whenever i feel like, so don't cancel that magazine subscription just yet! And hopefully this place will be a tad more interesting than reading your hairdryer's users manual!

Of course, without you this place would be just a guy over-dosed on caffeine, on the verge of madness blabbering uncontrollably, so we hope you keep commenting and let your friends know about us!

Until next time amigos! =]