What to Say in Awkward Situations! - Pt 1

So you’re at the grocery store looking at the tender moist red meat that you so longingly wish to go home and tear up! Waiting in the long line, you’ve managed to cram yourself in the annoying position of having a clueless grandma in front of you with a memory that gets flashed quicker than a gold fish and that all annoying Pakistani labor dude behind you that almost smells as bad as haggis and grilled liver stew. Not to mention he just can’t keep from giving you that all so inappropriate nudge on your ass with his crotch. Fear not, the guy is the least bit interested in your touché; he’s probably eyeing the place as a potential bombing target!

So you’ve bagged the delicious meat and right when you turn you’re greeted by some guy with a pedophile-like smile looking at you like he’s waiting for you to give him a side so he can hurriedly stuff a twenty in your underwear! While you desperately try to shove that image in some dusty corner of your mind, the man opens his mouth.

"Remember me?"

With a raised eyebrow you reply "No, but if there’s the slightest chance i know you then maybe you can let go of your crotch and we can shake hands!"

Well, that’s what you wished you could say, instead you try to say something but end up with your mouth half open looking like a retard on the run from the hospital. Admit it you sleazy bastard you’ve forgotten the guys name!

Give or take a few things from the story, you’ve all run into a situation more or less like this and ended up not having a clue as to what to do. Well this time I’m going to be discussing exactly how to tackle the many types of awkward social situations.

1)            For the situation above, it’s always best to smile, then quickly apologize for forgetting their name and kindly ask them to re-introduce themselves. Try not to be a smart ass and let them babble on and on about something in the hopes he/she might reveal their name, the reason? Well while your mind is in over-drive searching for their name in that empty hollowness you call a brain, your blank stare and unresponsiveness will appear rude. "Refusing to admit that you've forgotten the person’s name also shows your inconfidence" - says Nauman Sharif, author of several award-winning imaginary erotic books.

On another side, if you happen to be the person whose name has been forgotten, be on the safe side, and try to incorporate a small introduction into the beginning of the conversation. For example ( Hi, I believe I know you, I’m *name*, we met at/in *location*)

2)            At a party, reunion or some other lame function where the host was desperate enough for people to attend that he/she asked your pathetic ass to join, you find a friend or acquaintance who seems he/she would bash your head open if you dare even stand next to them.

Irrespective of the place or event, your first priority here should be the comfort and satisfaction of your host. Because let’s face it, if it weren’t to their extremely bad choice of friends, you’d still be at home clicking at the box eating pop-corns leftover from the last movie night.

Walk over to your angered friend and pass a sincere smile. I’d suggest cracking up a joke, but i doubt your sorry ass could pull one off between gulping down those tray of drinks that you so discreetly snatched from the waiters table. Introduce the friend to a few people you would know, if possible, to one of the opposite gender. If it makes their time worthwhile, they'd be quick to forget your insolence and forgive you. Invite the person to a drink on your tab. Yes, you’re going to be paying, that is if you’re interested in fixing the problem and avoid getting beat up in the dark basement parking, you cheap bitch!

However, if you feel your friend is beyond talking for now, do not approach them. You don’t want to end up creating a scene from last Thursdays WWE. If their near presence makes you uncomfortable (because you’re a sissy!) then moving somewhere away would be better. Also, involve yourself in a conversation with someone. The focus on the conversation or whatever activity you chose to do, will eliminate the anxiety and let you relax and finally gorge on the ample appetizers present that you had been eyeing for a while.

So there you have it, another guide on how you can prevent yourselves from making a mess of the situation and ending up looking like a sad sack o’ bones, Again! I intend to complete the second part of this article where I will talk about shit that I have yet to conjure up. So unless I break a leg attempting to figure out if I have super powers, catch the plague or end up leading a revolution against the world for unreasonably trashing my driveway, I'll be back...Eventually!

This message has been approved by the 'Tough Cookie'
Until next time amigos =]]
Nauman Sharif !